We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
