I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
