i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
