You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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