I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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