Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
