just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
