im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
