My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
