did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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