I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
