Sry I called you an 8
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
