If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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