I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
