I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
