No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
