If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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