there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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