i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I forget how to act sober
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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