i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
