I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
