just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
