I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
