I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
