How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
