Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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