did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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