There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
