K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
