No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize