Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
