I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
