Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hippo gnu deer
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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