guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
