Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
