I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
