I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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