he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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