Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
