The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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