I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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