Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Im part way to drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.