I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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