I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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