Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
