he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
