We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
