I wish my penis had an off switch
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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