and you said cock pushups were impossible
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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