my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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