I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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