Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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