I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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