wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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