So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?