I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
