She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dick very happy bro
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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